When I think of the darkest time in my life I think back to the last 4 years. My substance abuse began in 2020. I was finally an independent adult with the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my time and money. Only now looking back do I realize that I wasn't free at all. I was a slave to my childhood trauma. I delved into escapism through alcohol. I would drink until I passed out almost every night of the week because being numb seemed like a better option to me than sitting with all the pain inside of me. I felt so inadequate and unworthy of love because that's how I was made to feel my whole childhood. I just needed to escape. This problem continued on and off for the next few years. I would do really stupid things and end up getting hurt while under the influence. In 2023 I broke my arm because of alcohol. That wasn't enough of a wake up call for me.
In July of 2023 my best friend passed away and my issues with alcohol magnified in response to the absolute devastation and loneliness I now faced. I nearly drank myself to death one night.
After my hospitalization I realized that I had a very serious problem. I needed to face my demons.. not run from them. So often we try to run away from our problems but we never realize that it's just making it worse. I've spent a long time now sitting with my trauma and self hate. I faced all of the inadequacy I felt inside me. For so long I asked myself "what is wrong with me to deserve such treatment from my own parents? Why don't I deserve their love? What have I done wrong?" The answer is quite simple. So simple in fact that I looked right past it. The answer is nothing.. nothing at all. There is nothing wrong with me at all.
My parents treated me the way they did because they were just projecting the war that they were fighting within themselves. I just happened to get caught in the crossfire. My best friend died and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. The hardest part is coming to terms with all of the pain and trauma that we so often run away from. That's exactly what I've been doing. Do you want liberation from your suffering? Then stop running from it. You must sit down and face it. Allow yourself to feel all of the things you don't want to feel. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to be vulnerable no matter how scary that may be. Your progress isn't going to be linear. Mine definitely wasn't. I've messed up my sobriety and had to start over but that's how we grow. I promise that if you have the determination to do better and be better then you will. You have to do this for yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be sober. You deserve to love yourself. You're gonna grow from this. You're gonna be okay.
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